Anxiety Wars

Hello, lovelies!

Yes, it's been a month since I posted. I will apologize with a Bilbo gif.


I missed blogging so much, and as I'm in the middle of reading Zoe Sugg's second book, I got a bit of the blogging bug back in me again since her main character is a blogger as well. Part of me is definitely sticking with my whole "quality over quantity" mantra for this blog, but the other part of me feels so horrible that you guys have been having to wait so long for posts. I'm so grateful that you've stuck around though, and your comments definitely brighten my day.

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Now, on to the title of this post. I have been struggling HEAVILY with my anxiety for the past month, and it's been really taking a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. March is a big month for the singing group I'm a part of (Living Hope), as we're prepping for our biggest performance of the year called Showcase. This year it's "Doowop" themed, so music from the 50's and early 60's is the main focus. We have a lot of other songs as well that don't follow the theme, but our big group songs focus on Doowop-inspired music. Showcase involves not only singing, but this year it's heavily focused on choreography as well. I've always said that I have not two left feet, but seven left feet instead when it comes to dancing, and it remains true. But I've been forcing myself to learn the dances and get my act together, so I've brought down the clumsy to maybe a four left feet level.


I'm a part of two other small group songs for Showcase, and one of those groups has a person in it who gets very nit-picky about details, and he has been pressuring us heavily to get our pitches right and work to perfect our piece. Now, whenever someone freaks out, I'm the first to quickly calm them down. That's just because of the person I am, and also because if someone's anxiety levels start rising, I absorb their emotions like a sponge and start to freak out myself.

The other day we had a practice during lunch, and he started being his perfectionist self, and I could physically feel my chest tightening and my hands began to shake. I tried gripping my thumb with my opposite hand, the way I do to ground myself when I'm nervous, but I couldn't calm down. I had a pretty chill class after that, but I had a panic attack during it and my breathing was quick and rapid-fire while I desperately tried to calm down and stop shaking. No one really noticed, because I'm the type of person who can create an outer facade of absolute calm, but I was a complete mess.


All this week I've been feeling this horrible knot of anxiety in my stomach, and every time I think about Showcase my arms start to tremble and my eyes just unfocus and I find myself trying to find something solid to clutch. I've never been one to self-harm, but my anxiety and panic attacks have lead me to grip my arm so tightly that the next morning I'll still have little half-moons of red indented on my skin from where my nails dug in. It was so bad that I finally just chopped my nails short so that I couldn't accidentally hurt myself. I hate that I'm so sensitive to other people's emotions that they have the power to make me even more anxious that I was before, and I hate that I lose control like this. I'm a very self-controlled person, and losing my careful way of carrying myself scares me more than I dare to confess.

I've received lovely comments from you all in the past, saying that my posts make you happy during your dark times, so I'm so sorry if this put a damper on your day. But please just hear me out and keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Showcase is this week Friday and Saturday, and dress rehearsal is Tuesday, so hopefully I can get myself together by the end of this week.

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If any of you have anxiety yourselves or you have any tips to help me fight mine, please leave me a comment or shoot me an email. (:

I love you.

That is all.
Cheers,
Sea

Comments

  1. I am sorry to hear about your anxiety, I wrote a blog post on my blog about a year ago of my experience with anxiety and some tips and advice if you think that would useful and helpful to you or anyone else? I will leave the link on the comment, if you or anyone else thinks it would be helpful to read, :) hope it helps and don't worry anxiety gets better lots of love GeekyGirlOnline going offline xxxxxxxxxxxx
    http://geekygirlonline.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/anixety-advice.html

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    1. Thank you so so much for your comment. (: It's so comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing, and your advice was really worthwhile to read.

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  2. I don't have any tips for you, I'm afraid. While I do have anxiety struggles, I don't have panic attacks.

    But I am praying for you, dear. And here is a blog with adorable art that I hope helps you feel better. http://princesssassypantsandco.com/

    Keep being strong, Sea. And carpe the heck out of all diems.

    ~TCF

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    1. Thank you, Katie. (: Your support means a lot, and those little pieces of artwork are so cute (I can't handle the cuteness of the little puppy).

      Also, I will carpe the heck out of my diems. That might just be my new favorite phrase.

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  3. Hey Seana, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this! I get it, I really do. I've been going through something similar, and it really does take a toll on one. I wish I had some 'no fail' tip for you but I'm still trying to find a way to deal with it myself. I do have a few suggestions that have helped me. One thing to try is attempting to turn the negative/anxious thoughts around as they appear, if that makes sense. Ex: When I'm freaking out about a speech, I'm likely to think something like, "I'm going to forget the whole thing and fail this and it will be awful and embarrassing." If I can catch it before I get myself too worked up I can turn the thought around and tell myself something like: "I'm not going to fail. I have this well memorized. Even if I do forget some of it, I will remember most of it. It's going to go fine." It seems so simple, but it actually can help.

    I hope that makes sense. It's sort of hard to describe. I also have a little worry pillow that I keep in my jacket pocket. It's just this tiny little pillow filled with potpourri or something. Whenever I'm feeling really anxious and/or I'm starting to have a panic attack, I put my hand in my pocket and squeeze/rub/play with the pillow. It gives me something to do with my hands and can help redirect my mind.

    I hope this was of some help to you. Stay strong! I know how hard it can be. I'll be praying for you.
    *hugs*

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    1. Thanks so much, Sarah! The worry pillow is such a cute idea, and I think it might work if I did something similar. (: (Maybe a pretty stone or a marble might be good for me? I'll have to think on that.)

      Positive thoughts are definitely something necessary, but sometimes I think I just say the words in a sort of empty way without really believing them. But I heard a quote once about a culture that believes that if you repeat something enough, it'll become true. So maybe there's a little truth in that for calming anxiety down.

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  4. Performing has been really helpful for me to eventually learn to calm my nerves and anxiety down, so I can tell you that what you're going through is just a phase and once you learn to control it you will have four left feet of steel :) Just try to focus on the task at hand and try to ignore your anxiety and pretend it's not there; it's kind of like fake it till you make it. I've found that if you fake it enough times, eventually it'll become true.
    I'll be praying for you, and best wishes <3

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    1. I just had my first performance last night, and the edge of anxiety has definitely gone down. (: Thanks so much for your support!

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  5. Have you ever considered writing a post on your anxiety and briefly touching on topics like self harm? I know you're not a professional but i really look up to you and think it would be great to hear some tips and tricks from you.

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    1. I could definitely do a post like that. (: It might not be right away though since I'm still working to wrangle my anxiety in. But I'd be happy to share some of the ways I've been using to cope.

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