Is My Secret Out?

Every once and a while something happens in my life that makes me stop and realize things. Like the time I was in school and one of my friends asked me why I kept sighing. That made me realize that apparently when I'm bored/tired I just sigh randomly (and loudly).

And then later on the same day I was sitting at lunch with my friends, doing lunch things. One girl and I were chatting, and then she randomly goes, "You have a blog, right?" And I immediately went into defensive "Hahaha, noooo, why would I have a blog?" mode. You know that face you do when you try to act as confused as possible and make people believe that you truly have no idea what they're talking about? I was pulling that face. Hardcore.

Literally me. Chins and all.
It's not really that I'm embarrassed of having a blog. I mean, I've told you guys a lot about myself, and you've seen what I look like. I feel like we're all friends here, and I really do love my blog. But this blog is kind of like my little home away from home. It's somewhere that I can completely be myself and escape standards that I'm supposed to live up to. I trust very few of my real-life friends with the knowledge that I run this blog under a pseudonym. I like a little privacy (which is ironic, considering this is the internet after all), and I sometimes like to go all out and be crazy and weird and everything this blog lets me be. It's not like I become a different person. It's like I can finally be the person that I am without feeling like I'm supposed to be someone else, you know?

This girl was not one of the few people that I told about my blog, which leads me to the scary knowledge that someone told her. And if someone told her, who else will they tell? I've realized that maybe my little corner of the internet might not be quite as mine as I think.

It's not so much that I'm living in terror about people finding out. It just makes me feel way more self-conscious when posting because I know that people I see in person will be analyzing and judging things I'm saying. That's what makes me uncomfortable.

That is all.



  1. I went through the same thing just this past year as every corner of my life converged into one place. For a long time, I was just a writer on my blog, and just a musician in my orchestra, and just a scholar at my co-op (homeschool equivalent of school, but once a week). I would say a couple things once or twice, that I was a writer, that I had a concert coming up, that I was doing this or that. But those things always stayed separate. Until sometime last year, when stuff tumbled. I think it was mostly my fault— I wanted people to actually know I was a writer, and where all my time went if it didn't go toward school or music or whatever. So I invited school friends to my concerts. I showed online writer friends, through social media, things from school. I showed music friends things from my writing life. It all crashed together, and for a while it was a really aggravating experience, because I wanted to keep all the groups separate— I wanted everyone to see me as a specific thing, not as all these things lumped together. If I said something that mentioned writing, what would the school friends think? If I said something about school, what would the music friends think? For a long time I was content as an international man of mystery, but that crumbled down eventually.

    How did I cope? I owned it. It's hard, but it worked. I didn't change my blogging style to account for new music or school readers. I didn't change my musicianship to make it more accessible for anyone else. I didn't change anything I was doing— all I did was made it more public. So I guess "owning it" has two parts: first of all, you don't change what you're already doing. You stick with the style you've got in everything, unapologetic to all the new people looking at it. Second of all, you advertise yourself. If other people advertise you, it's out of your control. But if someone mentions your blog and you tell them even more about it, it comes from you. You can control the way they go into it. Perhaps they won't check it out, but they know you're a blogger, and they know more about you. Perhaps they do check it out, but because of what you said, they know more of what to expect. Own it.

    Of course, I'm a very showy personality. Half of me wants to be a turtle most of the time, yes, but the rest of me wants to run the world. You've probably noticed that side. Perhaps it's just part of my personality to own something like this, and perhaps it won't work as well for you. But I think it's good, if your blog is getting more irl popularity, for you to take the wheel and steer this go-cart. Mean people love to take something you won't admit and blow it out of proportion— but the moment you take credit for it and act proud, they can't touch you. So I say own it.

    1. And... that was almost longer than the post. Sorry about that.

    2. I really do appreciate your advice. (: I can be either ridiculously outgoing or a little on the shy side, and my blog is definitely something I'm shyer about. I guess I'm just not used to be called out about this little internet me with real people. I'll see what I can do about "owning it" like you did. I can own most anything people can throw at me, so how hard can a blog be?

  2. I can really understand this. Recently one of my friends found not my blog but my old Figment, and read one of the stories on there .... it was awful. So so awful. Even now I'm scared to say too much about the situation in case I am tracked here!! Suffice to say ... it was awful.


    I am aware that this is mostly anxiety/self-consciousness speaking. I *know*, in the rational bit of me, that he really isn't judging and hating me and has probably forgotten all about it.

    AND YET ...

    On the other hand, I know it's really not helpful when people are like "just stop being so anxious!" Like, yes, thank you, that's a really great thing to say ... not. Or when people say "well, you shouldn't put anything on the internet that you'd be embarrassed for people to read!!" That is such unhelpful advice. Obviously it's wrong to cultivate a false image of yourself online, but that's not what we bloggers do - we're just more comfortable expressing more of ourselves with like-minded people in the blogosphere.

    That said, please don't stress. I really, really think that you come across as an extremely pleasant, friendly and generally fab person (of course you do, that's why you're one of my best blogging friends) and anyone reading this blog will see that. Though you could investigate some old posts, if they're things from your 14-year-old self that you'd rather people didn't read? I just (literally just, like half an hour ago) deleted two thirds of my blog!!! I've made another blog and imported all those posts, so they're not lost, but I made it private. I can laugh at my old posts, but no one else. This makes me feel a lot better about people finding my blog - because no one wants their 14 year old self dug up. Not by anyone.

    I think you're probably safe, though. When I first started blogging my url was my actual name - surname and all! - so anyone who Googled me could find the blog. With a pseudonym I think you'll be a lot harder to find. Have you told your friends your pseudonym?

    Don't worry! x

    1. That's actually a really good idea. I actually started my blog when I was . . . gosh, was it really when I was TWELVE?! Oh dear. On the one hand, I wouldn't mind getting rid of those embarrassing first few posts, but on the other, they're kind of charming in a mortifying way.

      The weird thing with a pseudonym is that it's not my real name that's going out with my posts. I've spent so long keeping my real life friends mostly away from my blog, and it's just strange to have them even refer to me by my pseudonym outside of here, you know?

      (PS: Thank you for calling me a fab person. I do quite enjoy being fab sometimes.)


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