A Party For Liam (No Longer A Secret!)

Greetings to all of you on this lovely day.

Liam (an awesome blogger who posts on anything and everything from noseless characters to oxcart driving and minions) has been blogging for a long while now, and his follower count skyrocketed in the past few weeks to over 700. To celebrate this crazy epicness, Robyn came up with an idea that she shared with me. I in turn rounded up a bunch of bloggers who comment and hang out around This Page Intentionally Left Blank. Together, we have written a not-so-short story.

Many thanks to: Robyn Hoode, Charley R, Engie/Nevillegirl, Miriam, Amanda, La Stranezza, Meredith, Leinad/Keras the Unknown, and Lily Jenness/Gwendolyn Copperstone for being willing to help out and write a little bit to the story. (The bloggers are listed in the order that they added to the story, with the exception that my paragraph comes after Robyn's in the beginning and that Robyn ended the story.)

Please hold on to your hats, ladies and gents because the party starts....

Now.

(Click the "Read More" link if you'd like to read the story.)



-----


Quirk had agreed—he would be there with Liam at 2 o’clock. Yes, he would keep the party a surprise. Quirk had hung up the phone, laughing maliciously at the prospect of a blind-folded Head Phil. Robyn Hoode shuddered at the same thought and suddenly wondered if she should have asked a different Phil.
Liam’s blog, 'This Page Intentionally Left Blank', now had more than 600 followers. When it had been just under 550 followers, Seana J. Vixen suggested that there should be a party to celebrate.
It was the day of the party. It was 1:30. Everything was in chaos.

“What do you mean Gandalf isn’t here? He’s bringing the fireworks!” Robyn demanded of a timid penguin. She turned to see a small crowd of six year olds. “Hey! You Padawans put away those lightsabers! Those are party favors! What’s this?” Another penguin handed Robyn a piece of paper. It was a receipt for the catering. Robyn sucked in her breath. “Very funny.” she said.

“What does it say?” Seana asked. She had just walked over from the other side of the room.
Robyn held up the paper for Seana to see. It said $246.01.

"Oh dear," Seana said, scanning the paper again in disbelief. "All this for just catering?"
Robyn plopped down on the floor, a penguin on each side of her. "What are we going to do? I don't have that kind of money floating around!"

Seana was just about to suggest something, but before she could, a loud rapping on the door interrupted her train of thought.

The door flew open, and in walked Charley R. She was holding a bag slung over her shoulders with sharp, scary looking broadswords poking out of the thin material.

A moment later Engie arrived in a cloud of purple glitter, broadswords in tow. Seana shrieked and cowered behind the My Little Pony shaped pinata in the corner at the sight of the glitter.

"We've brought the swords for broadsword baseball, just like you wanted, Robyn!" Engie announced, unceremoniously dropping her swords with a crash.

"Heh heh, I shall make a valiant effort to beat the Head Phil in broadsword baseball!" Charley declared, dropping her swords in a pile next to Engie's.

Charley made to move off to give the banners a checking over - she would have brought her own, but a few tragic infiltrations by her letter-shaped minions had left them rather more illegible than even she would admit. Then, suddenly, she remembered something.

"We did bring the cake, didn't we?"

Charley looked expectantly at Seana, who simply transmitted her expression to Robyn as if it were a game of eyebrow-based Chinese whispers. It was Engie who broke the silence.

"Ah."

Charley muttered the rudest word that Liam's no-curse policy allowed, and headed back towards the door, "I'll call in that favour with the White Witch and see if she can poof up something more interesting than six-hundred trays of Turkish Delight. Otherwise it looks like I'll have to intimidate Gollum into posing as a House Elf and stealing something from the Hogwarts kitchen."

Then, with a swish of her cape, the door slammed shut behind her. There was a long moment, which was filled mostly with screeching, shrieking, and some other peculiar noise that probably didn't belong to Charley herself. A few minutes later Charley came back in, looking thoroughly triumphant, if a little ruffled.

"Nazgul number six should be back with the cake in about half an hour," she declared, "that is, provided he doesn't mis-read the map like he did last time. Now then, where shall we put the - "
But before Charley could complete her sentence, the door swung wide again, and in bounced a towering pile of books, with a pair of wobbly legs sticking out of the bottom.

"Nevillegirl . . ." Seana winced as the tower leaned worryingly to the left, "Do you want any help with those?"
"No, I've got it!" said Engie, throwing the books into the air. Each one flipped over once and landed in an orderly stack on the floor. Ever since she'd stolen the Elder Wand, she could do all sorts of useful magic. "These are presents for Liam. I know how much he loves to read so I got him the latest series by J.K. Rowling and Suzanne Collins, Percy and Peter Jackson and the Incredibly Pointless Monster-Slaying... all twenty-two volumes!"
Everyone marveled at both Engie's superior intellect and how well she knew the Head Phil.
"We still don't know how we're going to pay the catering bill!" Robyn wailed. "I checked my pockets for change but all I found was a nickel and three pennies, so we still need $245.93!"


"We could sell Charley to a traveling circus..." suggested Seana, a dreamy look on her face.


Charley looked ready to murder everyone, but the day was saved when a pager spontaneously appeared in Robyn's pocket. She pulled it out and read the message. "Sauron says that he would be willing to buy the penguins so he can transform them into Penguinwraiths!" 


"Yay!" yelled everyone, until Engie remembered something.

"Wait, we can't sell the penguins! Miriam Joy spent months training them to play the violin so they can serenade the Head Phil with Beethoven songs throughout the party!"

"Where is Miriam, anyway?" said Charley.

At that moment, Miriam Joy was in the garden, attempting to wrestle suits onto the penguins so they would look more presentable. As penguins already appear to be wearing tuxedos, they were objecting to this. "Ehehe!" shrieked the littlest one in an uncanny imitation of Miriam herself as it wiggled out of its pants. "Ehehe!"


"I heard you, by the way," Miriam called up to Engie. "It was Bach. Not Beethoven. Hamlet forbid I should teach themBeethoven." There was a look of vague disgust on her face as she said the name. "Bach's the only way to go. I considered Shostakovich, but I wasn't sure they'd manage it."

"I thought Liam liked Shostakovich?" managed Engie, perhaps trying to make up for the Beethoven comment. "And Iknow he likes Beethoven, which is why I suggested it."

"He does." Miriam suddenly looked worried. "Maybe I should have taught them that, after all..."

"Bach, Beethoven, Shosta-whatever-it-is.... they're all composers when it comes down to it." Charley grinned. "You know I'm musically inept."

Miriam abandoned the penguins and the attempt at a long-distance conversation about composers to join them inside, looking out over the penguin-infested garden. "The Nazgul won't try and eat them, will they?" she asked nervously. "I've spent so long training them ... flippers and violins really don't mix very well. You can't sell them," she added. "I would actually cry.

"And you can't sell me!" Charley objected. "I am not joining the circus!"

Seana, who'd suggested it in the first place, looked guilty. "Well ... is there anyone here who could join?"

"I might be wrong, but I was under the impression circuses couldn't buy people anymore," said Nevillegirl nervously. "Slavery is still illegal, isn't it?"

"Given that we just tried to sell penguins to Sauron, I'm not sure laws are the greatest concern right now," said Charley.

"How much is the bill?" Miriam grabbed the paper from Robyn. "$246.01 ... and do we have to pay for the catering? I mean, couldn't we just steal some bread?"

"Hey!" Amanda joined. "Has everyone forgotten about my existence?" 

The group looked up guiltily. "Sorry," Robyn apologized. "We're a little...er...distracted."

"So I see," Amanda observed, trying not to laugh at the penguins trying to eat music books, minions tripping over lightsabers, towers of books looked near to toppling, and party planners crowded around a bill. "Do you want some help with thinking?"

"What do you think," Nevillegirl said somewhat rudely.
Amanda shrugged. "Yes?"

"Of course we do," Seana said warmly. "Here, make some room, guys." Charley shoved Engie over, and Robyn squeezed next to Seana. 

"Okay, thank you. Now, the problem? We don't have $246.01? Easy. We make Quirk pay for it." 
Miriam, who'd been momentarily fighting with the penguins again, looked doubtful. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Well...no..." Amanda admitted. "But does anyone else have a better idea?" 

"Of course not. You heard us. But still, can't we think of something a little more...decent?" Sea asked.

"We're running out of time," Robyn pointed out. 

"But Quirk is Liam's character, and it's Liam's party. Isn't that a little...rude?" Miriam asked, turning around to pull a penguin off her. 

"True," Amanda said. "Anyone else able to think of anything really quick?"
~~
On the other side of town, a dark force was stirring his coffee in the clockwise direction. He had been at it for six hours.

The waitress, a small, mousy woman with blue streaks in her hair and a gait that suggested (and rightly so) that she was a dancer, had been her whole life, now down on her luck and working at the diner part-time just so she could pay rent, mustered the courage and finally asked the force—

“’Scuse me, sir, but, ah, you’ve been at that coffee for quite a while and, uh—”

“Yes?” he asked  with a bite, not glancing up from his volume of James Mortimer’s World Domination and How Best to Achieve It (3rd ed, 2010. Penguin Press).

 “Can I heat me up for you?”

There was a fracture in the otherwise perfect rotation of his wrist. “Well, if you wouldn’t mind,” he said slyly, all the while thinking to himself—Yes, this is the missing piece of the puzzle. This is what I need to defeat Liam, Head Phil, once and for all. She will serve my purposes well.

She giggled, realizing what she had just said, and he replied with a smile to conquer angels.

A few awkward moments of brooding silence came and went between the waitress and the yet unnamed dark force. Luckily, the uncomfortable situation was violently slain when a peasant girl messenger burst in through glass the doors. She was out of breath and bent over in exhaustion. After several deep breaths an attempts to speak, the peasant girl finally spoke. She motioned to the factory-born paper cup of cold liquid that the dark force was holding.

“Starbucks? What kind of a maniac doesn't buy from local businesses? You're a monster!”

“Yes, well,” the dark force said cooly, “I try.”

the peasant glowered at the dark force, consumed in hate. She only bought from indie book stores and locally owned restaurants. What kind of a Starbucks, She thought, has a waitress?

“So, peasant,” the dark force ventured, partially to avoid another awkward pause, “Why are you here? Shouldn't you be sweeping something up?”

“Hello-o,” the sassy peasant girl said in her best modern teen voice, “I have a name, you know. My name is Meredith, Slayer of Awkward Silences. I'm about to make my big break, but for now I have a message.”- Meredith took a deep, formal breath - “You, unnamed dark force, are cordially invited to Temporal Anomaly, Possible Grim Reaper, Paradox, Cheater of Death, and Head Phil, Liam's surprise birthday party.” The dark force didn't respond.

“So, yeah,” Meredith said, seamlessly murdering an oncoming awkward silence. “Here's my card- if you ever need a certain awkward silence 'taken care of'. I also do horrible puns.”

At a loss for words, the dark force snapped and flashily pooffed the waitress away to his dungeon to have some room to think.

“You'll have to give me an answer soon,” Meredith said impatiently, not knowing that the waitress was a pretty okay gal, and not one bit sorry for her for having once supported a big corporation. “It seems like a great party. I heard that there are gonna be penguins playing classical music, the composer of which is unknown. Pretty wicked, if you ask me,” Meredith discreetly coughed, then continued with emphasis, “I never got an invitation, so...”

Becoming annoyed by the talkative peasant girl's frequent interjections, the dark force yelled emperiously, “BE GONE, PEASANT!” but, with his magic at a mere 60 percent, he simply pointed to the door. Another dramatic poof would be a waste of energy, especially with no one to impress.

“Slayer of Awkward Silences,” Meredith corrected, rolling her eyes, “And I was just leaving. RSVP ASAP with a messenger pigeon at this address,”-she handed the dark force a slip of paper- “or you can text Robyn or Seana. I think they're pretty much runnin' this joint. And remember, it's a surprise!”

“Okay, now remember, BE GONE, okay?”

“Yeah,” the peasant girl said. She hesitated for a mere moment before continuing, with sarcastic courtesy, “Pardon me, but you seem familiar.”

“I have one of those faces,” said the dark force. Meredith shrugged and gladly left the Starbucks. The dark force was relieved to be alone to sort through his schemes and conflicting thoughts. Should he attend the party? Maybe this meant that he was finally accepted into society, as was always his vague dream. Maybe all this scheming was unnecessary. However, the dark force reminded himself, this would be the perfect time to strike.

“Oh, hang it all!” the dark force instructed no one in particular, “This situation is just too cliché!”

At length the Dark Force put down his coffee, slid his book into one of his many voluminous pockets, and walked to the door. He stepped outside and was just rounding the corner of the Starbucks building when Leinad ran headlong into him.

“Do look where you’re going, young man!” said the Dark Force coldly.

“Oh, I’m very sorry,” said Leinad. He stepped to the side to let the Dark Force pass, but just as the latter was stepping past him, eyes straight ahead and mouth in a hard-set, unforgiving line, Leinad said, “Um, excuse me, but would you happen to know — by any chance — the location of Liam Head Phil’s party?”

The Dark Force paused in his stride and swivelled to face Leinad with a blank, unfriendly stare, which was usually an efficient way of intimidating people.

“I’m sorry,” said Leinad again, “I suppose you probably wouldn’t know. It’s just that — I don’t live here. I’ve had to come a long way for this party.” He turned aside from the awkward stare and was about to continue into Starbucks to ask directions from someone more friendly.

“Stay!” said the Dark Force suddenly in a deep, authoritative voice. As Leinad paused, the Dark Force muttered to himself, “this guy could be useful to me. If he introduces me as his friend at the party, people might not realise I’m evil until it’s too late.” Then he shook himself. “Stop talking aloud to yourself!” he said.

“I… wasn’t,” said Leinad, not having heard the rest of it.

“I — never mind,” said the Dark Force. “The point is, I do know where Liam’s Party is, and you are going to show me the way.”

Leinad looked even more confused at this, but before he could say anything, the Dark Force imposed mind control on him, grunting with exertion as he did so.

“Now,” said the Dark Force evilly, but also breathlessly due to the strain, “You will go where I tell you to go. You will say what I tell you to say. You will contort your face into whatever expression I tell you to contort it into. Let’s go.”

But before they could begin there was a sharp crack and Voldemort appeared in front of them.

“Well hello, my friend,” he said to the Dark Force, “Are you sure you don’t want me to put him under the Imperius Curse for you. It will save you some energy.”

“No thanks, Voldy,” said the Dark Force, and Voldemort flinched at the lack of respect, “If I wanted your help I would have called you. I’ve still got that palantir.”

“True,” said Voldemort, “but I have another favour for you too, which I will give despite your ingratitude,” he drew out a leather bag from one of the pockets in his cloak. “In here you will find forty-three galleons, ten sickles and three knuts. At the current exchange rate, that should be $246.01. I think it may come in handy.”

“I don’t want it,” said the Dark Force. “You charge terribly high interest rates.”

“I do,” said Voldemort, “but this time I think you may find the loan quite valuable, even so.” He tossed the leather bag to the Dark Force and vanished with a crack.

The Dark Force sighed, but stuffed the leather bag in his pocket and prodded Leinad mentally to walk in front of him.

“You’re evil!” Leinad tried to shout, and he struggled to break free from his bondage, but the Dark Force gave him a mental punch, and Leinad fell to the ground in a quivering heap. Then the Dark Force ordered him to stand again, and after that Leinad walked docilely in front of the Dark Force, all the way to Liam’s Party.~~

The Dark Forced grinned. "Just turn down this alley and--"


" 'Scuse me!" a feminine voice shrieked right before something cold and sticky slammed into his side. The force of the blow knocked the Dark Force into the wall.


He shook his cape in disgust. "Am I a target for running lunatics today?"


"I'm so sorry," the girl said. She bent to pick up a half-empty, half-burned gallon bucket of melted ice cream and a tricorner hat. "Late for a party, so sorry, got to run."


"The Head Phil's party?" the Dark Force asked.


The girl turned around and started walking backwards. "Yes.  Are you going, too?"


The Dark Force smiled. Another helper would be grand. "Yes, we both are. What is your name?"


The girl glanced between him and Leinad. "I'm Lily. Or Gwen. Or Gwily. I don't really care. Say, is your friend all right? He doesn't look so good, though vaguely familiar..."


"He is fine, thank you... Gwily. May I escort you to the party?"


She shook her head. "No, thanks, I really ought to run, this ice cream is going to be just cream if I don't get there fast enough."


The Dark Force flicked a finger and a door right behind Gwily swung open. Leinad twitched in response to the drain on The Dark Force's power. Gwily turned to walk forward, and ran into the door face first. She fell to her knees, clutching her nose.


"That's what I get for naming myself after clumsy character," she muttered. She glanced up at The Dark Force, who grinned like Death during an epidemic.


"That wasn't funny." Gwily got to her feet

.
"I thought it was." The Dark Force raised a hand and pointed at her.


She gulped. "Are... Are you glowing?"


"What would you do if I said yes?"


Gwily swung the ice cream bucket up and The Dark Force's eyesight dissolved into stars and UFO lights.

..

Gwily ran and didn't stop until she tripped over a penguin trying to play a violin with a lightsaber. The resulting squeal-y sproing-thwump brought the party planners to the garden.


"Lily!" Robyn said, "You're here. Where's the ice cream?"


Gwily pushed herself up and made a series of bizarre hand motions in the direction of the alley, too breathless to speak.


"You saw a two headed rabbit flying down the street?" Charely R. asked.


Gwily shook her head and kept pointing.


"There's a giant hedgehog eating brie on the roof?" said Nevillegirl.


"The ice cream melted when you got in a fight with a dragon?" guessed Seana.


Gwily froze, nodded, then continued shaking her head and pointing. "There's... greedy... tie...humming..."


"A humming bird is wearing a greedy tie?" said Miriam Joy.


Robyn scratched her head. "A greedy man in a tie is humming? Or a man in a greedy tie is humming? Or a greedy man in a humming tie?"


"A greedy ping pong ball is chasing a humming tie?" said Nevillegirl.


Amanda froze. "Liam's not coming, is he?"


Gwily shook her head again. "No, there's a creepy--"


"I think she is spectacularly failing to refer to me." Everyone turned to see the Dark Force and Leinad standing at the gate. The Dark Force kicked away a penguin that was trying to eat his shoelaces and held up a deformed ice cream bucket. "I believe you dropped this." He set the ice cream bucket on the ground.


Gwily looked at Seana and Robyn. "Is he on the guest list?"

Robyn shook her head. “I don’t know. We invited more than seven hundred people! We can’t
afford the catering bill—who’d pay for security?”

The Dark Force let himself in. “The catering bill, you say? How bad could it be that such
intelligent hostesses…”

Robyn put on a defiant look. “And how are the expenses of this party your business?”

The Dark Force smiled in a way that’d make any girl swoon. Any girl except the ones standing
there looking at him, that is. “How much?” he asked. “Come on.”

Robyn groaned and rolled her eyes. “$246.01.”

The Dark Force reached into his pocket and pulled out a leather bag then tossed it to Robyn.
She eyed the man suspiciously before opening it and looking inside. “What kind of loose change
is this?”

Nevillegirl peered over her shoulder and gasped. “It’s Wizarding money! I’ll count it!” She
snatched the bag before anyone could object and skipped off to a secluded corner.

Miriam turned to The Dark Force. “I don’t suppose you have a name?”

“Or an online handle we could recognize you by?” Seana added.

“I usually remain anonymous in the internet world.” he replied. “As for my name… my friends
call me Cordelia.”

An awkward silence followed. Suddenly, a girl ran through the open gate and crashed into The
Dark Force.

Robyn shook her head. “I always say never stand in doorways. Glad you could make it,
Meredith.”

Meredith shook herself off. “My invitation didn’t show up until twenty minutes ago. And it was in
my spam folder!” She eyed The Dark Force. “You again?”

Before anyone else could say anything, Engie ran to Robyn and gave her the bag of money.
“It’s $246.01, exactly!” she said, grinning.

Robyn turned to The Dark Force, who gave her another dashing smile. She ignored it.
“Welcome to the party. Presents for Liam are in that corner, the bathrooms are over there, and
please don’t irk the penguins. They’re supposed to be rehearsing. Please, enjoy yourself…
Cordelia.”

The Dark Force bowed gallantly, then turned and walked away, forgetting about Leinad who
stood as still as time. Amanda, recognizing Leinad, seized a cup of lemonade and splashed it
into his face. The mind control suddenly ceased. But lemonade is not a good thing to get into
one’s eyes. A penguin lead Leinad to the bathroom to wash it out.

Everyone else turned to Robyn. Seana spoke what everyone wanted to say. “What were you
thinking, letting that creep in!?”

Robyn lowered her voice. “I know who or at least what that thing is. Who remembers Liam’s
comment policy?”

Everyone was quite for a few seconds before Gwily said, “He will reply to comments is one of
them.”

“No swearing or “unsavory topics” is another.” Meredith added.

“Here it is!” Everyone looked at Nevillegirl. She had pulled out her iPhone and looked up the
comments policy on Liam’s blog. She read aloud, “‘If you’re a Spam-sender, please leave me
alone. We all know how I’m lacking in…’ blah, blah, blah, ‘…And no, I won’t reply to anyone
named “Best Hand Cream” or “Giftcard Deals”, and especially not anyone whose name is
Cordelia, and yet has a picture of a man as an avatar.’”

“Robyn,” Amanda said, “you don’t think…”

“That Cordelia is a spammer?” Robyn finished. “Yes, I do.”

“Then, why did you let him in?” Charley demanded. “He’s dangerous!”

“I didn’t let him in; he let himself in.” Robyn said. “And this is a person, we’re talking about.
People don’t have links to click. Though you’re right, he’s not safe. But look at us. We’re nine
writers against his one… bit o’spam. We’re over seven hundred people against him. Honestly, is
there anyone at this party who doesn’t know not to listen to a spam…”

Suddenly, there was a scream in a corner and a teenage boy fell to his knees.

Charley whipped out a mace. “That’s it! He’s going now!”
..

Lightsabers, violins, broadswords, penguins—anything that could be used as a weapon was.
Nearly everyone was fighting the spammer and trying to force him out the door. But The Dark
Force was impervious.

Robyn swung her two-sided lightsaber and glanced at the clock. 1:57. Liam was supposed to be
here in three minutes and everything was in more chaos now than it had been half an hour ago.
She blocked a broadsword from hitting her (it was wielded by a confused guest) and sighed a
bit. Just then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw out the window Quirk leading Liam toward
the gate.

Robyn turned off her lightsaber, ducked around everyone between her and the door, ran
outside, and went through the gate, right up to Liam and Quirk. Quirk looked surprised. “What’s
going on?”

“Who is it?” Liam asked.

Robyn pulled the blindfold off of him. “Listen. There’s a spammer here. He won’t go away!
We’ve tried!”

“We?” Liam asked. “No, never mind. I know how to get rid of it. Quirk, hand me my Jedi-cloak.”
Quirk muttered something about being ordered around, but did as he was told. Liam whispered
his plan to Robyn and Quirk then the trio went inside.

Almost everyone had been taken by the power of The Dark Force or they had hidden. Only
Charley, Meredith, Seana, Miriam, Gwily, Amanda, Engie, and Leinad were still fighting. And
they were gasping for breath.

The clock struck two just as Robyn and Quirk entered the building.

“All hail Liam, Head Phil!” Quirk declared.

Liam entered the building with his head down, his face shadowed by the hood of the cloak he
was wearing. The battle stopped abruptly.

The Dark Force walked up to Liam. “Congratulations on having so many followers, Head Phil.”

he said with a wicked smile. “I have a gift for you.”

“Do you?”

The Dark Force laughed. “Come on, I’ll show it to you.” He lead Liam to the corner where the
presents were stacked.

Amanda opened her mouth to warn Liam, but Quirk quickly put his hand over her mouth. “He
has a plan.” he hissed in her ear. Then, just to annoy her, he kept his hand clapped over her
mouth for a few more minutes. But then Amanda licked him and he quickly jerked his hand
away.

The Dark Force and Liam started talking like old friends. Everyone except Quirk and Robyn
watched in astonishment.

“What’s he doing?” Miriam wondered aloud.

“Shh.” Robyn said. “Watch.”

Liam took off his cloak with the excuse that it was warm in the building. The Dark Force agreed.
They talked about the weather and after a few minutes began to argue about the climate
of Mordor. The argument eventually became about syllables and puns and then turned into
something worse.

The Dark Force shouted, “This isn’t an argument, it’s merely contradiction!”

“No, it isn’t.” Liam said calmly.

“Yes, it is!”

“Indeed.”

The Dark Force was silent for a minute. “What did you say?”

“Indeed.” Liam repeated. He turned his back to The Dark Force and started to walk away.

“How am I supposed to reply to that?” The Dark Force asked.

Liam shrugged and kept his back turned. “Some people say “Indeed.” back then leave and
others just leave.”

“It’s his way of saying that the comment train has ended.” Robyn said.

“NO!” The Dark Force grabbed Liam and held him tightly by the shoulders. “I will not be rejected
again! Do you know who I am? I am Phil!”

Liam, pained from the tightness of the man’s grip, just blinked and asked, “Who?”

“I AM PHIL! I was the most devoted follower you ever had! I read and reread every post a
million times! Then I applied to join your club of Phils. And you rejected me! I will have my revenge! Never again will you blog! My spam shall devour your computer’s soul!”

“I doubt it.” Liam scoffed.

“You underestimate my power.” The Dark Force laughed.

Suddenly, The Dark Force’s clothes caught fire. “What?! HELP!” He ran out the door, the
guests giving him a wide path. The doors were locked behind him. He ran out the gate and kept
running until he came to the local pool and jumped in. After that, he was arrested for disturbing
the peace.

The building filled with cheers as The Dark Force ran out of sight.

Seana, Charley, Miriam, Engie, Amanda, Meredith, Gwily, Leinad, and Robyn surrounded
Liam. “How did that work?” “What happened?” “That was amazing!” Liam would’ve drowned in
questions and compliments if Nazgul Six hadn’t shown up just then with the cake. Robyn went
to get it while Liam told the girls and Leinad how exactly The Dark Force had been defeated.
“I just needed The Dark Force to grab me and hold on for a few minutes. Whatever comes
inside my aura of awesomeness will spontaneously combust. That’s why I never let people I
like hug me.” Any desires the girls might have had to hug Liam for his victory were suddenly
disintegrated.

Robyn came back. “Liam! However did you get that nasty scrape!?”

Liam looked down at his right leg where the skin had been grazed then gave a sideways nod
toward Quirk to answer the question. Robyn glared at Quirk.

“It’s not my fault that Liam didn’t know that there was a ditch!” Quirk protested.

“Leinad and Gwily? Can you two take Liam and get that scrape cleaned up?” Robyn asked.

“It’s fine.” Liam said. “You don’t need…”

“I insist.” Robyn interrupted.

Liam gave in and was lead to another room.

It is a fact that seven hundred guests can quickly turn chaos into organization when they put
their minds to it. When Liam returned five minutes later, everything was ready.

“Surprise.” Robyn said, handing Liam party hat and a broadsword.

“Wow.” Liam looked around. “Is that a My Little Pony piñata?”

“Keep that thing away from me!” Quirk added.

“My idea!” Seana declared. Quirk shook his head, declared that he would inspect the gifts, and
then headed that way.

Cake was delicious, broadsword baseball didn’t kill anyone (though there were one or twoclose
calls), and Liam received enough books to last him two years (actually, two years for anyone
except Liam. Liam would have them all read and reveiwed in about seven months). The
penguins played beautifully, but the selection they played wasn’t Bach or Shostakovich. Miriam
almost cried until she realized that the songs were Beethoven, the first one being his 5th
Symphony. It was only later that anyone discovered the penguins had actually been trying to
play Bach.

Some hours later, most of the guests had gone, leaving Robyn, Seana, Amanda, Engie, Gwily,
Charley, and Miriam. Meredith had left to slay some awkward silences and Leinad left to get
back home before it got too late. Liam and Quirk were trying to figure out a way to carry all of
Liam’s new books home. Miriam loaded the penguins into the trailer. Charley was ordering lazy
minions she found to clean. Gwily and Engie were gathering up the broadswords. Amanda went
around the room picking up halved baseballs.

Seana and Robyn had agreed to sweep and take home the leftover cake.

“It’s miraculous that there is leftover cake.” Robyn remarked, sweeping.

“I know.” Seana said. “Quirk had four pieces!”

“I think that overall, the party turned out really well. In a way, I’m glad that “Cordelia” showed up.
It certainly added some…”

“Adventure?”

“And it paid for the catering.”

“And a gave Liam a chance to show his awesomeness.”

“Indeed.” Liam said, walking over.

“Did you figure out how to transport the books?” Seana asked.

Liam nodded. “Oh, yes. Quirk is going to carry all the books that are part of a series, and I’m
going to carry the stand-alones.”

Robyn raised an eyebrow. “Did you even get any stand-alone books?”

Liam grinned. “I got three. Anyway, it was Quirk’s idea.”

“Does he know that you only got three?” Seana asked.

“LIAM!” Quirk shouted.

“He does now.” Liam said, still grinning. “We’ve already shook on it and signed the contract in
blood. He’s stuck.”

“You don’t take chances when you make deals with Quirk, do you?” Robyn said. She held up a
glass of lemonade. “To your health and the life of your blog, Liam. May your blog last for many,
many years, your works one day be published, and may you have many more followers.”

The end.

Comments

  1. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I think I'm going to choke from laughter. That was...that was...words fail me right now.

    But I must say, Robyn, thank you for the paragraph about Quirk and me. ;) I think you hit the nail on the head. And Cordelia was genius...and...yeah, okay, I'll stop it.

    YAY SEANA FOR THE IDEA! Yay everyone else for writing it! Yay Liam for being...Liam!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoops, I meant: "YAY ROBYN FOR THE IDEA! And yay Seana for doing the organizing and hosting!"

      Delete
  2. Yes, I got the memo :)

    This. Is. BRILLIANT!!! And hilarious beyond measure.

    Robyn, your ending is genius. Cordelia, and the aura of awesomeness and spontaneous combustion.... I actually read that comment thread on TPILB. All those little reference made me laugh so hard.

    *cacophonous applause* Thanks so much to you guys for putting this together and letting me participate! WELL DONE ALL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks to all who think the ending is genius. And good job everyone else who wrote parts of this! This was fun. :)

    I hope Liam shows up soon...

    ~Robyn Hoode

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome!

      Yes, the Head Phil does seem to be taking a bit to get to here....

      Delete
    2. I'm starting to feel like an impatient fangirl waiting for season 3 of Sherlock or the library to FINALLY get a copy of Doctor Who season 6 or the next Phil Phorce episode. I hope everything is all right.

      Delete
    3. Maybe he's torturing us on purpose. It wouldn't surprise me.

      Delete
    4. That thought did cross my mind....

      Delete
  4. Ehehehe, this is spectacular! I do hope His Phil-ness turns up soon - otherwise I shall have to prod him in this direction myself, as any good nemesis should ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't imagine what he's up to...

      Delete
  5. This is awesome! It's cool to see how the story went after I sent it on...

    LIAM, GET OVER HERE!

    ReplyDelete
  6. THAT IS LIKE THE BEST STORY EVER! Everyone who wrote that has great imagination! Congrats to you all. And Liam, for having over 700 followers!
    ~A.J. Ryan

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you guys so much. I enjoyed this. The plot twist about Cordelia was spectacular-- I had forgotten about that. Though I do object to my portrayal, slightly. First of all, if Cordelia's robes caught fire from being too close to me, wouldn't the blindfold do so as well? Second of all, why would I need outside help tending to a flesh wound? Nothing short of open heart surgery would require that. Third of all... Nah, nothing else. This was great. Thank you, and I'm sorry I showed up late! I was trapped in the middle of a nearly-toxic river for the better part of an afternoon, and my vessel didn't have internet.

    Thank you so much, again. Charley, you were brilliant-- you all were, but you can't beat that accent. Even if it doesn't come across much in written word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had fun thinking about stuff that would make you roll your eyes. *rolls them right back towards you*

      Delete
    2. Which one did Stranezza write? I can't identify, unless it's the Meredith one. I thought that was Meredith Waugh, another regular commenter.

      Delete
    3. Wrong guess. It must be the Dark Evil in the Starbucks, then.

      Delete
    4. It is, Liam. Right after me.

      Delete
    5. YAY, he finally showed up! HOORAY! You're welcome, Head Phil. Thank you for being awesome.

      Delete
    6. Oh, what did Quirk think of it?

      Delete
    7. I think he wasn't portrayed correctly at all. This fanfiction stuff is terribly inaccurate. He wasn't conceited enough. Of course, he thinks he should have had a bigger role.

      Delete
    8. Hey,only two mistakes in portrayal and one of those was an inconsistency!
      You're welcome. This was fun.

      ~Robyn Hoode

      Delete
    9. Was it ever...:)

      And who cares what Quirk thinks.






      (kidding)

      Delete
    10. You're welcome, Liam! I, too, am glad you liked it.

      Maybe the blindfold, and the rest of your clothes, for that matter, were dipped in dragon saliva like Phoenix's clothes.

      Robyn and Amanda: Yes, this was fun. My part wasn't great, but I had fun writing it.

      Delete
    11. Oh, I thought your part was wonderful, Lily! You captured the sound of a lightsaber perfectly! "Thwump!"

      Well, what bigger role did Quirk want, Liam? Did he want to save the day or did he want to be The Dark Force and be forced to flirt? Or did he really want to pay for catering? :)

      ~RH

      Delete
    12. Why, thank you, Robyn. *Curtsies*

      Delete
  8. This is really, really awesome. Sadly, I didn't get all of the references, but the ones I did get were hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Liam -- would you have minded much if it HAD come out as Bach? Because Beethoven and I, we don't get on too well. I don't think I could tolerate teaching it to penguins ... ah well, it worked out okay in the end. I got to play Bach, they ended up playing Beethoven, everything's fine...

    (I don't know how I always end up training things in other people's imaginations. Mark, my co-writer, is convinced I train spiders to feed rabbits. I still don't know how this happened!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would have actually preferred Shosty, but those poor penguins...

      Aren't you the world-famous amoeba trainer? ...No?

      Delete
  10. Glad you liked it Liam, even if it was fan fiction.

    That ending was terrific, Lily and Robyn!

    How come Stranezza never showed up at the party?

    ~ Keras the Unknown / Leinad

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He just appears at odd times to haunt your steps.

      Delete
    2. I think the reason Stanezza didn't actually show up at the party was because he didn't write himself in, therefore people past him didn't realize he ever showed up at all.

      Delete
  11. That's probably true. It was nice of him to bring the Dark Force though — the party would have been rather dull without that.

    ~ Keras the Unknown / Leinad

    ReplyDelete
  12. WOAH! How weird is this?! I remembered this post today, and I got to find it and realize...IT WAS A YEAR AGO TODAY. Oh my goodness!

    It's still every bit as awesome as it was a year ago...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, wow. X-D This was brilliant! A marvelous endeavor. :-D

    ReplyDelete

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