Guest Post: Hermione and the Snurplegurts
Hermione won my contest a while ago, and she's managed to get her guest post to me, though my army of invisible teddies was being rather stubborn. (It didn't help that I couldn't see them...) So without further ado, here is her guest post of how to hunt the legendary Snurplegurt from her entry.
How to Hunt a Snurplegurt
Hi! Hermione here with the guest post I won from Seana! Thank you, Seana, it's an honor to be here. Since I won with my entry, The Boy Who Cried Snurplegurt, I decided to teach you all the art of hunting a snurplegurt. It's something to seriously consider studying in college. Just think: Every day, at least .08 humans encounter an angry snurplegurt who is on his way back from eating unicorns and mercilessly stabbing teddy bears. You can stop these encounters by joining PUFFS-People United to Fight Ferocious Snurplegurts. Here is all you need to know:
You will need...
- A bucket of water
- A mirror
- Rope (a lot of it)
- A very strong fishing pole with a hook and line
- A mischievous, lying little boy NOTE: If you are not able to get your hands on one of these due to such things called "kidnapping" and "child abuse", a clothing item of the child's--or something with their scent on it--will do nicely.
- A cookie
With all of your materials, set out to find a creepy, dark forest, that the typical scary monster lurks in. Next, hang the mischievous, lying little boy (snurplegurts tend to pray on these) on the fishing line using the hook and line, careful not to get him into wedgie position. If he cries out, give him the cookie you brought with you. Snurplegurts are not attracted to the crying of children. Wave the fishing pole until and call out, "Here, snurpy snurpy snurpy!" The snurplegurt hates this, and is guaranteed to come. Keep doing this until you hear
a) a growl that sounds like the crackle of flames
b) a howl that resembles that of a werewolf's
If you hear either sound, congratulations! You have successfully attracted a snurplegurt. But don't hang around celebrating for long. You must get your bucket of water ready less than a second after hearing the growl/howl. When the snurplegurt comes into view, BAM! Pour the bucket of water over its head. This will extinguish the snurplegurt's deadly tail of fire.
After this, the snurplegurt will become mad. Very mad. Pretty much as mad as a snurplegurt ca be, and trust me, that is mad. This is where the mirror comes in handy.
You see, the snurplegurt is so ugly that it is afraid of its reflection. If you show him the mirror correctly (as in you don't have it backwards or make some other foolish mistake), he will recoil back with a look that says, "Ew, what is that?" He will be in such shock that you will be able to harness him with your rope. If you haven't already been eaten. Which isn't likely.
After the snurplegurt is harnessed, climb onto its back and wave the child in front of its face, steering it toward your home. This should work. I saw it on TV.
When you have (hopefully) returned to your house, the only thing left to do is train your snurplegurt to behave and keep it as a pet. This is impossible, but it won't matter, because by now you'll either be dead or have chickened out. *Sigh*...it happens every time.
Happy Snurplegurt Hunting!